Fall seems to get under my skin these days. It used to be my favorite time of year. But now I associate some pretty unhappy things with fall so that the changing leaves and air quality seem to bring out a sort of depression in me.

This year it doesn’t help that I seem to be having the existential crisis of turning twenty-five and having no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s not that I don’t know what I want, it’s that I want too many things. I feel overwhelmed by too many options and I don’t know which way to go. I’ve spent most of September searching for some right answer, some big sign that might tell me what to do. But maybe it’s the little things I need to be paying attention to.

Last night a friend came over and we drank tea and read tarot cards and astrology books. I’ve always felt drawn to tarot, and it seems to be a tool that works well for me. That said, I haven’t touched my tarot deck in months. Last night I was looking at a book my friend Gaby brought with her and I wanted to mark a couple of pages so I could flip back to them. I reached for the tarot deck to use a couple of cards as temporary bookmarks. The first card I picked up was the Nine of Swords – cruelty. I frowned and put it back, wanting a slightly more positive card to use. I picked up the Eight of Swords – interference. I put that back as well and drew the Three of Swords – sorrow. Both amused and dismayed, I drew yet another card – The Tower.

Looking back on it today, I have to laugh. I drew four cards with negative connotations and it made me feel so much better about everything. The Nine of Swords drew my attention to the fact that I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Every time I’ve made a mistake or failed to reach a goal, my internal response has been a feeling of “of course, I failed,” followed by a list of reasons why I’m a failure. Just realizing how cruel I’ve been to myself made me take a step back and realize that I’m making a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I tell myself I’m a failure, it’s a lot easier to keep failing.

The Eight of Swords pointed out my feelings of indecision. I’ve been feeling like I have to come up with all the answers right now, but I’ve been doubting that my decisions will be the right ones. It’s impossible to make a good decision when I’m letting all this doubt and self-criticism interfere with my judgment.

The Three of Swords. Sorrow. That’s a feeling I know all too well. While it’s true that grief doesn’t just magically go away, I am also allowed to be happy. Maybe I needed to give myself permission to be happy. I expected to get sad in the fall, so I did. I’ve been holding on to grief and resentment, but all that’s doing is blocking me from success and happiness and bringing down the people around me. I have to quit blaming other people for how I feel. Yes, I’m still going to be sad sometimes. But it doesn’t have to dictate my every waking moment anymore.

The Tower is a card that I think is often misunderstood. The illustration of a crumbling tower is violent and unsettling. But the message is one of restructuring. It’s about the destruction of old ways, patterns, and beliefs that are no longer serving you, and rebuilding new things in their place. Of course, dismantling anything, even if it’s a negative thing, is no easy task. Perhaps that’s why we shy away from this card. Change is hard, it’s scary, and we cling to the things we know are bad for us out of fear of the unknown. What if the new thing is worse? What if I can’t do better? Well, I’ve also known my fill of fear and it has no place in the process of my decisions.

On the whole, over the past couple of days, I’ve realized that I need to be more gentle with myself. This thing I am grieving is no small loss. And I need to stop putting pressure on myself to solve all my problems immediately. If I treat myself with kindness and patience and stop letting worry and self-criticism trap me in a mental loop, the answers will be that much easier to see. So I’ve decided that I’m going to keep making myself cups of tea and reading tarot cards and watching the leaves change, and I’m going to be okay.

Falls seems to get under my skin these days. It used to be my favorite time of year. But now I associate some pretty unhappy things with fall, so that the changing leaves and air quality seem to bring out a sort of depression in me.

This year it doesn’t help that I seem to be having the existential crisis of turning twenty-five and having no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s not that I don’t know what I want, it’s that I want too many things. I feel overwhelmed by too many options and I don’t know which way to go. I’ve spent most of September searching for some right answer, some big sign that might tell me what to do. But maybe it’s the little things I need to be paying attention to.

Last night a friend came over and we drank tea and read tarot cards and astrology books. I’ve always felt drawn to tarot, and it seems to be a tool that works well for me. That said, I haven’t touched my tarot deck in months. Last night I was looking at a book my friend Gaby brought with her and I wanted to mark a couple of pages so I could flip back to them. I reached for the tarot deck to use a couple of cards as temporary bookmarks. The first card I picked up was the Nine of Swords – cruelty. I frowned and put it back, wanting a slightly more positive card to use. I picked up the Eight of Swords – interference. I put that back as well and drew the Three of Swords – sorrow. Both amused and dismayed, I drew yet another card – The Tower.

Looking back on it today, I have to laugh. I drew four cards with negative connotations and it made me feel so much better about everything. The Nine of Swords drew my attention to the fact the I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Every time I’ve made a mistake or failed to reach a goal, my internal response has been a feeling of “of course I failed,” followed by a list of reasons why I’m a failure. Just realizing how cruel I’ve been to myself made me take a step back and realize that I’m making a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I tell myself I’m a failure, it’s a lot easier to keep failing.

The Eight of Swords pointed out my feelings of indecision. I’ve been feeling like I have to come up with all the answers right now, but I’ve been doubting that my decisions will be the right ones. It’s impossible to make a good decision when I’m letting all this doubt and self-criticism interfere with my judgment.

The Three of Swords. Sorrow. That’s a feeling I know all too well. While it’s true that grief doesn’t just magically go away, I am also allowed to be happy. Maybe I needed to give myself permission to be happy. I expected to get sad in the fall, so I did. I’ve been holding on to grief and resentment, but all that’s doing is blocking me from success and happiness and bringing down the people around me. I have to quit blaming other people for how I feel. Yes, I’m still going to be sad sometimes. But it doesn’t have to dictate my every waking moment anymore.

The Tower is a card that I think is often misunderstood. The illustration of a crumbling tower is violent and unsettling. But the message is one of restructuring. It’s about the destruction of old ways, patterns and beliefs that are no longer serving you, and rebuilding new things in their place. Of course, dismantling anything, even if it’s a negative thing, is no easy task. Perhaps that’s why we shy away from this card. Change is hard, it’s scary, and we cling to the things we know are bad for us out of fear of the unknown. What if the new thing is worse? What if I can’t do better? Well I’ve also known my fill of fear and it has no place in the process of my decisions.

On the whole, over the past couple of days I’ve realized that I need to be more gentle with myself. This thing I am grieving is no small loss. And I need to stop putting pressure on myself to solve all my problems immediately. If I treat myself with kindness and patience and stop letting worry and self-criticism trap me in a mental loop, the answers will be that much easier to see. So I’ve decided that I’m going to keep making myself cups of tea and reading tarot cards and watching the leaves change, and I’m going to be okay.